Day Six - Conveying emotion

Because I'm writing a novel for a young adult audience, I am obviously concerned with showing issues that young adults can relate to. One of these is being in touch with your emotions and handling them. 

I have, what people two hundred years ago would have called it, an "excess of sensibility". What that basically means is that I'm a very emotional person. Looking back to my teenage years, I had a lot of mixed feelings about pretty much everything, and I had no idea how to express them. I got made fun of a lot for being a crier. I think young adults are just coming into a lot of these emotions and are learning the societal expectations of how to express them properly. Also, there are a lot of new feelings developing along with all of those pubescent hormones, and these all affect the decision-making process.

Emotion is important for today's writing. In my first draft of "The Greenwitch" I had two scenes back to back. First, a scene from Derrel's POV where he and Robin meet up at the waterfall. She asks him about his life before the war, and he tells her a bit about growing up on his father's estate, Lynden. They get on the topic of balls and parties, and this leads to Derrel teaching her the "scandalous" waltz. The scene after this shows Robin, back at home, reflecting on this and how she feels about it and discovering that she may be developing feelings for him.

I really wasn't happy with the way I wrote these scenes, because I wanted to show the emotional breakthrough at the time it happens from Robin's POV. So now I'm revising it, and I'm having a bit of trouble changing the conversation around. It's not just changing the "he said" "she said", it's also changing the tone. I try to write each character's scene with a reflection of their personality in the tone. This means that I have to reword essentially everything except the dialogue, and even that is getting an overhaul. 

For example, First Draft:

            “It can’t all have been as bad as you make it sound. Surely you must’ve had fun dancing!”

            “I daresay I would have been fonder of dancing had I had an agreeable partner,” he murmured.

            Oblivious to the innuendo, she continued on. “What kind of dances did you do? We only really know country dances here.”

            “Country dances are still in vogue at the Metropolis as well. There is also the Four Seasons which involves four couples dancing intricate steps in a circle. It’s quite a complex dance, and only those who are able to hire dancing masters truly master it, so it’s more for the show-offs. The newest rage last year was the waltz, but it isn’t danced by many because it is so scandalous.”

            “Scandalous!” Robin exclaimed. “How could a dance be so?”

            “Because,” he said with a glimmer of mischief in his eye, “it is danced solely as a couple, and the gentleman and lady dance very closely to each other.” He stood up quickly. “Here, I’ll show you,” and he took her hands and pulled her to her feet.

            She started to stammer an inarticulate refusal, but he silenced her by pulling her close. “The lady puts her hand on the gentleman’s shoulder like this,” he raised her left hand and placed it on his shoulder, “and the gentleman puts his arm about the lady like this,” and he gently placed his right hand on her waist. Taking her other hand in his, he began to lead. She instantly tread on his foot. “Oh, I beg your pardon! I’m a terrible dancer!” she apologized, then abruptly giggled.

            Derrel burst out laughing. “Goose! I haven’t even begun to teach you the steps. You’re bound to step on me a few times!”

            She giggled again nervously. “I’m so sorry, but ugh, I have the most hideous laugh. I hate the sound of it. Don’t mind me at all.”

            He smiled down into her bright eyes. “I don’t mind! You have an adorable giggle!” He then regretted this forwardness as she instantly glanced away uncomfortably. “Here, let me teach you the steps. When I lead like this,” he began, demonstrating, “you follow like this.” In this manner he easily led her in a circle. Despite his earlier pronouncement, she only stepped on his foot one more time, disproving her earlier remark that she was a terrible dancer.

            Derrel could only guess, but judging from the way she refused to meet his eyes and the blush on her cheeks, Robin was very unused to being held so close to a man. He decided not to continue, in case she was afraid to tell him she was uncomfortable, and brought them to a halt.

            When they came to a stop, Robin finally had the courage to look back up into his eyes and said, “If other people learn this, we could introduce it at the Midsummer Festival.”

            He gently released his hold on her. “That’s the big holiday you celebrate, is that right?”

            “Yes, and the whole village gets together on the common ground and holds a party. I think introducing a new dance may make it more interesting. We’ve been dancing the same country dances for years.”

            “We need not dance it again if you aren’t comfortable with it.”

            “No, I’m not uncomfortable with it. Just not used to it.” She looked up into his eyes shyly. “I enjoyed it quite a bit, actually.”

Second Draft:

            “It can’t all have been as bad as you make it sound. Surely you must’ve had fun dancing!” Robin exclaimed.

            “I daresay I would have been fonder of dancing had I had an agreeable partner,” he murmured.

            Ignoring this innuendo, she continued, “What kind of dances did you do? We only really know country dances here.”

            “Country dances are still in vogue at the Metropolis as well. There is also the Four Seasons which involves four couples dancing intricate steps in a circle. It’s quite a complex dance, and only those who are able to hire dancing masters truly master it, so it’s more for the show-offs. The newest rage last year was the waltz, but it isn’t danced by many because it is so scandalous.”

            “Scandalous!” Robin exclaimed. “How could a dance be so?”

            “Because,” he said with a glimmer of mischief in his eye, “it is danced solely as a couple, and the gentleman and lady dance very closely to each other.” He stood up quickly. “Here, I’ll show you,” and he took her hands and pulled her to her feet.

            She started to stammer an inarticulate refusal but was silenced when he pulled her close. “The lady puts her hand on the gentleman’s shoulder like this,” he raised her left hand and placed it on his shoulder, “and the gentleman puts his arm about the lady like this,” and he gently placed his right hand on her waist. Taking her other hand in his, he began to lead. She instantly tread on his foot. “Oh, I beg your pardon! I’m a terrible dancer!” she apologized, then abruptly giggled.

            Derrel burst out laughing. “Goose! I haven’t even begun to teach you the steps. You’re bound to step on me a few times!”

            She giggled again nervously. “I’m so sorry, but ugh, I have the most hideous laugh. I hate the sound of it. Don’t mind me at all.”

            He smiled down at her. “I don’t mind! You have an adorable giggle!” She instantly glanced away shyly, so he said, “Here, let me teach you the steps. When I lead like this,” he began, demonstrating, “you follow like this.” In this manner he easily led her in a circle.

            Robin found herself blushing at being held so closely by a man. She had hugged men before – her father and brother – but this was different. She suddenly understood why this dance was considered scandalous: the intimacy of his hand on her waist, the way he gently held her hand with his own calloused one, none of it would be considered proper in the prudish western society. Embarrassed at her own shyness, she couldn’t bring herself to look up at him. Instead she looked straight across at his chest and consequently his well-formed collarbone showing through the open folds of his shirt. She realized this wouldn't help and tried to concentrate on following his lead.

            After a few moments of this she felt she had the feel of the dance, and he brought them to a halt. Robin felt both relieved and disappointed when he removed his hand from hers. Trying to hide her mixed emotions, she said, “If other people learn this, we could introduce it at the Midsummer Festival.”

            “That’s the big holiday you celebrate, is that right?” he asked

            “Yes, and the whole village gets together on the common ground and holds a party. I think introducing a new dance may make it more interesting. We’ve been dancing the same country dances for years.”

            “We need not dance it again if you aren’t comfortable with it.”

            She considered this for a moment, but secretly decided that she enjoyed dancing with him like this. “No, I’m not uncomfortable, just not used to it.” She looked up into his eyes shyly. “I enjoyed it quite a bit, actually.”